Y is it sex or is it love Y
Y i don't care What it is Y
Y i just do What you want Y
Y The way that You want it Y
Y And when you turn around Y And you tell me to hit it Y
Y if you're Shaking that ass Y
Y Who am i To forbid it Y
Y Tell me What you want Y
Y Tell me what you want i will do it Y
Y Tell me What you want i will do it yeah Y
Y Tell me What you want Y
Y Tell me What you want i will do it Y
Y Do it Do it Do it Y
Y i like it Flithy and raw Y
(man) Ali over the worid kids are getting down.
They're getting down at the ciub.
At work.
i n the car.
At the party.
At the bar.
And at your front door.
(woman) This guide will heip you to get down, too.
We will introduce you to some of the toois
you can use to heip you get down, like vodka and drugs.
it will show you how to avoid the pitfalls
associated with this lifestyie.
My shoes!
Like getting sick, and the Police.
guide scientists have spent years gathering empiricai data
of all facets of nightlife.
This flim is divided into chapters,
each offering insights into different aspects of getting down.
And when better to get down than after a stressfui day.
[Phone ringing]
Hey, girl.
Hey, what's up?
Come get me. Let's go and get drunk.
Okay.
Take your shit with you.
Bitch.
Fuck you!
Are you okay?
Douchebag!
Okay. J ust, just, walk down to the front and i'll be right there.
Fuck! Fucking cunt!
Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!
That's my other line. Okay.
Whassup, Bernie?
Hey, girl. What are you doing?
Nothing. J ust ciosing up.
You wanna hang out tonight?
Ooh, girlfriend, i can't, 'cause i got a date tonight.
With who?
Remember the guy we met at Cinespace last week?
The drunk guy?
Yeah, whatever.
He's taking me out to some new shi-shi bar in Holiywood.
Okay.
But we can hook up iater.
Yeah, i'll call you iater.
Yo. Yo, what's the deai, yo?
What's going on?
Yo, man, you ready for a party tonight?
Yeah. U m, yeah.
Yeah.
You remember, right? Yeah, man, that shit is gonna be dope.
Whassup with that phone, homie?
Yeah, this phone's a fiy, right?
i got this shit at the pawnshop shop.
They said Deon Wargees used to owned this shit.
She came in one day sweating in shit.
Let me trade this phone. She went got some crack.
Crack must be the shit.
Everybody's gonna be on because i got this phone.
When i go come here, and they'll think it's funny.
Look at his phone. Looks like a iunch box.
You got any baloney sandwich in there? No, i got no sandwich here.
This is a phone. And then at night they'll all be up on me.
They gonna come up to me. You know what i will do?
i'll put this shit on the wall. Bang!
You wanna use the phone?
Yeah, c'mon. $1, motherfucker.
Yeah, that's right. it's not so funny no more, huh?
i don't care if you got a tube top on
Get out of here. it cost $1 to use my phone.
i need some money. i can't get no money with the way you look.
U niess i 'm pimp'n.
What? What? i wanna call my granny.
Damn, you won't call your granny.
You didn't want me. Now i got a phone. Y'all owe me.
$1, motherfucker. $1.
$1, motherfucker. We some oid schooi foois. Yeah, yeah.
Okay. So, the best part is.
What?
He can't even think of his fucking bike.
No!
What a fucking loser.
A totai pussy. What do you wanna do tonight?
i don't know. Fucking Cahuenga is gonna be a madhouse.
Let's go to JJ's party.
JJ. JJ As in date rape JJ?
Dude! That chick is a siut. Don't listen to her.
Okay. Whatever you say.
Let's go to the party.
Getting down seems so random.
But as you'll see, there is a definite science to it.
Formuias and paradigms that can be foilowed
to achieve the maximum fun with the ieast stress.
This guide is for boys and girls, but boys and girls are different.
We often hear boys being referred to as siamhounds or horndogs.
But this isn't entireiy fair.
Ever since Charies Darwin came up with his theories on naturai seiection,
we've known that the propagation of the species
is dependant on genetic mutation,
and that occurs only through fertillzation of muitipie partners.
i n other words, both boys and girls are hard-wired to get down.
That's why sex is fun. But there are physlologicai differences.
The man is fertlie 23/7.
But a woman can only be poliinated for a few days a month.
About a week before the end of their menstruai cycie,
most girls experience a perlod of a few days
technically known as their horny week
when they are good to go and feel particuiariy ready to get down.
Now, imagine girls, if you were cursed to feel like that all the time.
That's what it's like to be a boy every day of your life.
Dude, it's a party for a modeling agency.
There's gonna be mad pussy there.
We are gonna get some. For sure.
[Both iaugh]
Game on.
One for you. You might need that.
[Chuckies] Dude, what is that?
What?
Looks like you got cum on your face.
What, bro? it's fucking moisture. What the fuck?
Shacka.
Boys and girls love to get down,
but there are differences in the way they go about it.
Hooking up by the end of the night is often the uitimate goai for boys and girls.
The difference here is that boys will acknowiedge this as their soie purpose.
Whereas girls are a little more reiuctant.
Does this jersey look okay?
Fuck yeah dude! That shit's tha bomb.
You look good in that green.
Green? See the eyes i'm working that shit?
How's the mother fucker paying you? Wee!
Whlie the boys are quite clear on their purpose,
the girls tend to be a little cioudy on their goais.
Stings!
it's supposed to.
is it really? Ow! Bitch!
We're gonna have so much fun tonight.
i mean, is the skirt too much?
Are you kidding? it's freaking awesome.
The boys are gonna die when they see you on that. Turn around.
Puli it down a little. Right there.
J ust don't bend over. it is hot. Hello?
Anyways, i had such a horribie day today. i just wanna dance.
Dancing is girl ease for get hammered and taiked into bed.
Common in girls is the iack of a cognizant need,
or a simpie refusai to acknowiedge desire for sex.
Ali dancing.
We are having girls' night out tonight.
Are you excited?
The boys and the girls are looking forward to going out.
But what's going out all about?
Before you go out, you have to get in.
There are three basic types of events that require some thought, or an invitation.
The ciub, the shi-shi bar, and the private party.
it could be a C D or flim reiease.
A new hair salon, or an after-fashlon show event.
The bouncers for each event can be distinguished by the foids of fiesh
known as hot dogs on the back of their neck.
The private party bouncer, a one-hot dog doorman.
The shi-shi bar bouncer.
Notice the two hot dogs foiding up on each other.
And finally, the ciub bouncer.
A mature bouncer in his prime can maintain up as many as eight hot dogs.
it's the sign of status amongst fully grown bouncers.
And it takes years of high-caloric eating to achieve this majesty.
Contrary to popuiar bellef, bouncers are highiy - trained professlonais
who study their vocation for years at speciallzed training facliities,
like this one in Long Beach.
You show me how you would greet a patron.
U m, sorry. Not today. We got a private party.
That's it?
Yeah, she wanted to come in.
What the shit was that, man?
This is not customer service.
This is bouncer schooi, okay?
You gotta look like it. You gotta act like it. You gotta feel it.
Bouncing is a business fraud with contradictions.
The veivet rope. Once the epitome of giamour
is now found at the bank and the post office.
Foiding your arms are good.
Right? Some posture.
Get some bass in your voice.
You look the person right in the eye,
and you squeeze those eyebrows together, okay?
Like that. Let them know you mean business.
Right?
Here they try to make sense of it all.
Maximum capacity.
Louder. i can't hear you.
At bouncer schooi, the principies are compiex.
So, if there's nobody in there, why do we make them wait outside?
Because we need to make the ciub look busy.
So, we, we're just saying it's a private party.
[Laughs]
Oh!
The iessons are difficuit.
One patron in, one click.
Two patrons, doubie click.
Three. One, two, three.
Studies vary, ranging from braceiet application to hand-stamping.
One stamp on the top. real simpie.
Right in the center of the fist. Stamp. See?
So, what if i do him up here just like that?
Wrong. There, there, it's all wrong.
it's all wrong. See? Don't make no sense.
Now, we don't want iawsuits, so i don't want him all marked up.
So let's walk him out.
We're walking him out. J ust show him a bit of love.
Like that. Nobody saw it, okay?
Maybe a little siap on the face. Nobody saw anything.
Maybe a head butt. Got that?
i got that. Okay.
Good.
You fellas foilow me there?
But for those who stay the course, the rewards are certainiy there.
(all) Yeah!
N ice going. Did you guys see that?
That's what's supposed to be done.
U niess you are a reguiar,
the entry process at the ciub is random and frustrating,
and uniess you personally know the bouncer, then ignore him.
Don't try and be friends.
He doesn't wanna taik to you.
The person you need to work on is the guy or girl with the list.
Let me do the taiking.
H i. Can we come in?
Are you on the list?
Maybe. i don't know if they put me on. Bryce Vandermass.
Yeah. i'm sorry, no Bryce.
What about me? Andy Harper.
Sorry, no.
Come on! please.
Maybe iater. You guys get in line.
What the fuck? There's not even anyone in there.
There's no need to swear.
Sorry, guys. Not tonight.
There's no one in there!
it's not gonna happen. it's a private party.
N ice going.
They have painted themselves into a corner,
and must endure the humliiation of walking back through the peopie
they just pushed in front of.
Now, let's try it again.
But this time Bryce will provide a distraction
whlie his friend Andy scopes the list as it is being checked.
Hey, what's up? i should be on the list.
Bryce Vandermass.
Note the confidence in his voice.
And see how Andy positions himself.
Andy studies the list whlie the door girl checks it.
Note how he looks for a name that has not been crossed off
with a pius one.
Maybe it's under my name. Oliver Quinn. We're bookers at Sunset Town.
Andy drops the name of an agency, because this is a taient agency party.
But it could easliy have been a magazine or record reiease party.
The point is it worked. So savor the moment.
Hey, can you get us in?
What's your name?
i'm Cariy.
Guys, in or out.
My friend's the promoter here.
i'll go find him. Come back.
We'll get you guys in.
i just toid you, go inside.
Dude, just cheer up. She's my girlfriend.
Dude, you just met her. Go inside!
Don't go anywhere. i'll be right back.
J ust don't get too cocky.
Hey, how is it going, Rick?
What's going on, Oi? Hey,
this my boy Oliver and his girl.
Oliver Quinn?
That's right.
Get those two.
Easy.
Well, it sucked in there anyway.
Fuck!
What are we gonna do now?
Let's go back to the Mayan and call Hector.
Hector? N ice!
Finally, it's important to remember that sometimes
things just aren't going to go your way.
We should be on the list.
i've toid you, we're at our capacity. i can't let you in.
Capacity?
if we wait for a little bit?
i'm not promising anything, but we'll see what i can do.
How are you?
H i, Brittany.
You just let those two transvestites in.
Our friends are inside aiready.
Everybody's friends are inside.
Like i toid you, it's capacity. There's nothing i can do.
Step out of the way. J ust five?
Yeah.
Come on, dude. Don't be a dick. There's two of us.
i aiready toid you guys three times.
We're out of capacity. There's nothing i can do about it.
Do me favor. Take a step back, get out of my face.
i'm gonna ban you from here for life. How does that sound?
Ali right, you're banned. Have a nice evening. J ust goodnight, guys.
You know what? We don't wanna come to this shitty ass bar anyway.
it's a gay bar, anyway.
Goodnight!
Caium, who are you calling?
Hello. is this the Fire Department?
Me and my girlfriend, we've just had intimacy now
on Wlicox at Holiywood
and there's this cabaret performer, burned fire
and it got smokey in there.
There's a lot of peopie and the fire door was blocked.
Seem kinda unsafe. J ust thought you should know.
That's right, ma'am. Wlicox.
Thank you.
What the fuck are you doing?
You like that?
Stupid.
As you can see, just getting in can be quite taxing.
You're up eariy.
Yeah, i needed my beauty sleep.
Botox's not working?
[Laughs]
What's going on for tonight?
i don't know. Daniei over here knows about somethin.
Oh, yes, some modeling agency thing.
Should be some hot chicks there.
Man, there's no modeis there.
They just say that to get dudes there.
Where's that, anyway?
At System.
System?
Forty-five.
Forty-five what?
Oh, man, fuck that!
it's important to find a place you like
where you can become a reguiar.
Becoming a reguiar has certain advantages.
Not the ieast of which is that you don't ever have to worry
about getting in.
This graph quantifies the main reasons why a certain bar
will be patronized.
But the best thing about being a reguiar is the free drink.
How do we know what's working tonight?
Ryan's at Beauty Bar.
Dan's at Star Shoes.
Right, on, Cahuenga it is.
Again.
The free drink is not a bottomiess cup.
Your relationship with your bartender needs to be nurtured.
if you are a girl, the bartender may be flirting with you.
So the tipping formuia is not so hard and fast.
But if you are a guy and the bartender is not gay, you must tip.
There's a very specific ruie that governs tipping for free drinks
know as as the Cahuenga Principie.
it states that the vaiue of the tip given
should be no iess than haif the combined vaiue of the drinks.
The tipping in itself is an art form.
Watch what happens when Peter wants to tip for a round of free drinks.
The bar back cannot be fauited for picking up the blii
since there is a real danger of it being picked up by another customer.
But now Peter's tip goes unnoticed and he won't get another free round.
What should Peter have done?
See how Peter is carefui to avoid eye contact with the bartender
that won't give him free drinks.
Peter gets the drinks and paims a ten into the bartender's hand.
i n the hand. No confuslon.
Tipping greases the wheeis. Free drinks are good for you
'cause you save money and you get to look cool.
it's good for the bartender 'cause he makes better tips.
i love your bar, man. Hot chicks and the bartender always gives you free drinks.
This guy?
Yeah.
But it's not so good for the bar owner.
What don't you understand?
So if you get free drinks, keep it to yourself.
Daniei won't be getting anymore free drinks from Tad... ever.
Since the dawn of time,
man has been trying to perfect ways to get his buzz on.
Ali cuitures have certain methods that are accepted, and some that are not.
i n the U S and Europe aicohoi is the drug of choice.
And make no mistake. it is a drug.
Aicohoi's effects on full-grown humans are many and varied.
Ranging from ciumsiness,
i fucking love you, guys.
To euphoria, to aggresslon,
What you wanna do? Fuck you!
To romance,
[moaning]
To just playing the top.
One of the most profound effects of aicohoi
is its abliity to cioud judgement,
especially as it relates to human attraction.
Simpiy put. The more you drink, the iess you care.
Take a look at this acceptabliity graph.
Note the spike in the graph at last call.
We'll take a cioser look at last call iater.
But to make the "inhibriation" process work to our advantage,
first we have to understand it.
Scientists at the guide's Lab in Nevada
have been running tests with fascinating resuits.
i n this experiment, a group of mice are observed in a ciub environment.
The mice in the controi group are content and productive.
The mice in the ciub environment begin to drink the vodka and beer.
After one hour, two of the mice have to be removed for fighting.
After two hours,
many of the mice have coupied up
and have begun the mating rituai.
Fantastic.
After three hours,
many of the mice exhibit signs of stress
and or incapacitation.
Most of them seem to be intoxicated.
Exactiy.
Oscar seems particuiariy wasted.
We'll come back to him.
But how does aicohoi affect the human brain?
Here at the Boys and Girls guide
we pride ourselves on being reievant to both boys and girls.
But boys and girls are different,
and this is evident when it comes to drinking.
Hey, Rebecca, what are you doing tonight?
i'm gonna stay home. i've got that pet adoption in the morning.
We're going out tonight. You should come.
Maybe.
Oh, come on.
A woman's brain,
one of the most compiex and mysterious things known to humanity.
it has the capabliity to hoid huge amounts of information.
it is both caring and logicai,
and it can muititask.
But add white wine or martinis to the equation
and the synapses in the woman's brain begin to misfire.
Yes, baby!
What are you doing, mama?
Some girls will repeat this process
three or four times a week.
The maie brain is slightiy smaller than the femaie's,
with iess emphasis on high functions.
With the addition of aicohoi,
the maie brain aiso changes.
My biceps, muscie cars, TV, hot chicks and money
become hot chicks, ass, bacon, tittles, and pussy.
But curiousiy, the changes are nowhere near as categoricai.
Aicohoi or booze is perhaps the key eiement
in getting down with the opposite sex.
And where better to find booze than a house party.
There are certain telltaies signs of a party.
This must be it.
it's disgusting!
Boys urinating is a good sign.
As is a drunken girl crying out front.
i'll give you something to cry about.
[Cries]
The most important eiement at any party is of course booze.
When planning your party, coliect as many empty premium vodka bottles as you can.
Then buy the cheapest vodka you can find.
Two-liter plastic bottles and pour it into the other bottles.
No one will know, and no one will care.
But you might be able to buy enough booze to keep the party going all night.
The party you attend may be under aicohoi.
if so, you may only get one trip to the bar.
Make it count.
Food is nice, but if it's after 10:30, then don't touch it.
Be sure to dance around and have some fun at the party.
if there's a theme, then dress up.
Don't worry about looking stupid.
Clean up any mess you make.
it doesn't have to be spotiess,
but be seen to make an attempt.
The truth is, the place will probabiy be trash by tomorrow morning.
Which brings us to guide tip number one.
Have your party at someone eise's place.
i got a speaker phone on this shit.
i could send pictures but it come out digitai.
Look like pacman and shit.
Hey, where...
(Oriando) Whassup, hammer time? How you doing?
(Johnny) Who is this?
This is my friend.
Oh, man, she invited me to oli her down at her photo shoot on Saturday.
Maxim, huh?
i'm getting the maximum boner sitting right here.
i aiso i got like a little switch.
There's a compartment in here somewhere.
When i figure it out, i'm gonna take it out and i'll show you.
Maybe i 'll cut up something with it.
Oh, God!
Look at those two.
Oh, my God.
Kid and Piay.
M ine's cute.
Dude, they look like actors from Beat Street.
Yeah, but, i mean, at ieast they are having fun.
Look at our friends.
Yeah, that's true. The one with the phone does have a nice ass.
That would be Piay.
Can we have some of that?
You want a very speciai yak?
The yak?
Yeah, it's motherfuckin' on the yak, man!
Or on the cognac?
[Overiapped voices]
Ah-ah!
Don't i know you?
No. You can get to know me if you want to.
i got some gin.
Gin's for drunken oid iadies.
Hey, Bernice, what are we gonna say
if they wanna dig a tagging iater on?
Oh, ya'll tag?
We got some rusties in the car. We got some purpie.
Turtie green.
We were about to hit the Scientology buliding like at 12: 00 after this.
[Laughs]
You got...
When there's only coffee liqueur and gin left,
it's time to play a game, kind of like an aduit easter egg hunt
called the booze hunt.
Good places to look are the freezer,
but it's a little obvlous.
Other cupboards in the kitchen.
Look amongst the pasta and vinegar, always towards the back.
Leave no stone unturned.
There's booze dashed somewhere.
Oh, shit. How you go about it?
Oh, shit!
it's hammer time.
Whlie both boys and girls enjoy getting down,
boys, being more goai-oriented,
tend to take a more mliitaristic approach to nightlife.
Once situated, boys will go into recon mode.
Oh, my God.
Subdued by a fire marshai. it got really crazy.
But its way better. Okay.
Check it out, man.
i see them.
Earlier on, Brittany and Tiffany
said they wanted to hang out with their friends.
But look. These ciothes are not comfortable or practicai.
if they met a guy they liked, it would be on.
But what do girls like?
Girls like tall, handsome guys.
And girls like rich guys who buy them things.
And guys who can dance.
Sadiy, rich handsome modei types who can dance
make up only 3% of the maie popuiation.
So girls are forced to iearn to appreciate other quallties,
like humor.
What's got two thumbs and loves blowjobs?
Excuse me, but you're standing on my cock.
But even if you're not funny, handsome or rich, don't panic.
Dancing is easier than it's even been.
And drinks are cheaper than ever.
And right now, guide scientists are testing a technique
called the "shoe gazer make-over system."
(scientist) So, anyway, what you got here?
Let's figure with the shoes.
Now we go something with...
You can wear anything with the checkers.
Something cute like this.
it's even a little more hip if you can add something like this
'cause it doesn't match and that's cool.
Let's see what it's all about.
How is it going?
Okay.
And Daniei needs all the heip he can get.
What we're wanting to do today with Daniei,
is to give him some of that Holiywood pizzazz.
H urry up, you faggots.
First. Hair.
Wrist bands.
And finally, tattoos.
Pants, very tight.
The pants are squishing my balls.
That's good. Good.
And the T-shirt. Something oid, punk metai.
That's cool.
Obscure brand names aiso work as well as do the plain odd shirts.
And for your tattoo we're going with Fuck my bush
the titie of the book you're writing.
i'm not writing a book.
You are now. Does it hurt enough?
And some nauticai stars for punk rock.
Nauticai stars.
That's punk rock.
One more thing.
He looks hot.
Dope.
Ooh, hey! is that a bass?
Yeah, we just finished the show over the Viper room.
What band?
The Bleeding Chest Wounds.
You can watch us practice some time.
i'll bring some beers.
U nlike boys, when a girl is out to get down,
often all she needs to do is show up.
This is because girls possess what is known as "pussy power."
And all she has to do is give the signai.
The signai is given very quickiy.
Too long and it's max of desperation and loses it's potency.
But beware. Boys will sometimes see the signai when none was given.
i love your shoes. Where did you get them?
Gucci.
i love Gucci.
Have you been to the Gucci store in Vegas?
So, a good defensive game is imperative for a fun night out.
She does?
i love strip Charlie.
i wanted to be a stripper at one time.
They wouldn't take me. i needed new boobs or something.
He was just being friendiy.
i n fact, friendship was the last thing on his mind.
But it doesn't stop here. Some boys will offer drinks.
Others will ciown around.
Those with iess imagination will simpiy stand nearby
and try to catch her eye.
Rings are good for warding off unwanted advances.
Can you see i'm engaged?
Ali right.
As her girlfriends.
How is it going? Can i buy you a drink?
No. i'm hanging out with my girlfriend.
And girlfriends work, even if they're not there.
Hey.
i'm hanging out with my girlfriends tonight.
And if you don't have a ring,
you can always invent a fake boyfriend.
An excellent way to meet the guy you are actually interested in.
Hoia, belleza. You are so fine.
Honey, what's taking these drinks so long?
i mean, we've been waiting here forever. i'm so thirsty.
i just can't...
Honey, hi. You forget you have a girlfriend?
You can't keep it in your pants for two minutes whlie i take a piss?
You can have her. Puta.
After getting to know each other, comes the cruciai moment
where the differences between boys and girls are evident.
Bro, check out Greg.
The boys are pleased for their comrade.
That's cool.
But he was driving. How am i supposed to go home?
You'll have to walk.
Fuck. My heart pills.
Your what?
My medicine. i left it in the car.
Suck it up, bro. She's going with him.
Greg doesn't want to risk ieaving Rebecca alone in case she changes her mind.
He guides her to the car without saying goodbye to his friends.
The girls however have a completely different ethos.
Like the marines, no one is left behind.
This is your car?
Yeah. Be carefui.
[Shrieks]
M mm! Get in, baby.
[Laughs]
i bumped my head.
Where are you going?
Rebecca? You're drunk.
We'll take you home.
Actually, i was gonna drive her home.
That's nice, but we don't even know you. We can't let her ieave with you.
But i want to.
No, you don't.
Yes, she does.
Leave me alone, you jealous bitches.
Shut up! Rebecca, bring your ass. Get out of the car.
Baby!
Ow!
You're an asshoie.
You are iucky we didn't call the cops.
i 'm on Myspace!
Fuck.
We taiked earlier about how girls have controi,
and touched on the subject to pussy power.
But what exactiy is it?
Pussy power is a naturai force that when wieided sklifully
can turn any situation to a girl's advantage.
Women have relled upon it since the dawn of time.
For thousand of years employment options for women have been limited.
Even today it's not an even playing fieid.
So women have had to figure out other methods of getting the things they want.
Young girls iearn how to use it from an eariy age.
An experience i can gain the upper hand in aimost any situation
invoiving heterosexuai men.
She is coming along nicely.
You don't have to be ridiculousiy hot, but it heips.
Ma'am, do you know why i pulied you over?
You made an liiegai left turn from the right hand iane
back at third and Aiameda.
it was a safe turn.
Actually, it was a really safe turn.
i have to say i don't see those every day.
i'll give this to you. if you ever have any probiem,
just give me a call. My number's on the back.
Thank you, Officer.
i know. You want a drink?
Yeah.
Champagne. Now.
i will get you champagne now.
[Murmurs]
And the genius of it is...
Good. You can go now.
She never actually has to give out the pussy.
This is another iadies' bathroom.
Ladies' bathroom.
But if she should decide she wants to go home with someone.
None of you.
One more thing about pussy power.
it only works in certain situations.
Excuse me. We're dancing at Bazongas in ten minutes. Do you mind if we...
We have all got places to be, okay?
You gonna have to wait your turn.
Can you belleve her?
That bitch thought she was hot, but she was not
i don't know who's gonna pay her to dance.
Let's go.
And whlie we are on the subject,
girls, if you ever want to simpiy go out and dance,
then a gay ciub is definitely the way to go.
Lots of hot, well-dressed guys
who know how to have fun and won't hassie you.
But be warned. There's a certain breed of guy
who's not gay, but will pretend to be just to get laid.
The logic is sound. Meet John.
By day he's a hetero construction worker.
By night he goes by Marlo and he's a fake homosexuai or fauxmo.
Where'd you get that rack?
i just got 'em done! Aren't they great?
Yeah!
i had big boobs to begin with.
That's why they feel so soft, because my naturai boobs are on top.
You can touch 'em if you want.
They kinda hard!
Here. Let me feel.
H m.
M m-hm.
Yeah. They feel pretty real.
U nder the muscie?
Yeah! How did you know?
i'm a designer. i deai with modeis all the time.
You're a designer?
You should come to my studlo some time.
i would love to make you a dress.
So you're a designer, huh?
Yeah, whatever.
To what schooi did you go?
What boutiques do you sell to?
Listen, little faggot. You better back the fuck off
or i'm gonna whop your ass.
My God, i love this song!
Come dance with me.
Okay.
Oh, my God, you're so cute!
i can't belleve that you're gay.
i hate LA. Ali the cute guys are gay.
So, you've never been with a girl before?
No way, man.
i mean, don't get me wrong. i love girls
but just don't do it for me.
How do you know untli you try?
Look, dude, i like balls.
What can i say?
Are you trying to tell me that this body
does not make you hot?
Honey, i could give you a blowjob better than any other guy in this bar.
Look, Angie,
you're a beautifui, sweet, intelligent girl.
But i'm a guy. i like guys.
Listen, why don't we just go to my house
and if you feel uncomfortable at all i'll stop.
Promise.
Okay.
i'll just go ciose out my tab. i'll be right back.
Marlo seems to be getting somewhere with this technique.
But it can prove probiematic.
Whoa, whoa! Dude, what are you doing? This taxi is taken!
Oh, no. Marlo, this is a friend of mine.
This is Brutus. He's coming with us.
That's right, Marlo. Ooh, we're gonna eat you up.
Don't worry. it'll be fun!
Drugs are an important part of getting down.
Drugs can be divided into two main groups.
Sketchy and fun.
Sketchy drugs are the ones that will dominate
and mess up your life and your compiexlon.
Fun drugs are those that are used recreationally to have a bit of fun.
Sketchy drugs inciude Speed, heroin, crack, and cocaine when it's smoked.
Sketchy drugs should be avoided at all cost by any boy or girl
who wants to get down.
Fun drugs inciude weed, ecstasy, and cocaine.
These drugs are basically harmiess,
and some will argue good for you.
Moderation being the key.
But where do drugs come from?
Buying drugs off the street is asking for troubie.
i n this experiment, the guide sent four iab asistants downtown
to purchase some drugs.
Do you know where i could buy some weed?
No, man, i don't fucking know.
Fuck out of my face, man.
Okay. Ali right. Thank you.
Excuse me. You guys know where i could buy some weed?
You know, the chronic.
Yeah, what you want?
i actually, i have 50. is that enough?
Oh, hey, i got some good shit.
My name's Dlilon by the way.
Jason bought some weed.
Ali right. Thank you.
Whenever you see drugs heavliy wrapped in Seran
it's because the peopie selling it to you don't want to be around
when you finally manage to open it.
Marijuana? No, marinada.
Rajeev tried to buy some coke.
i'm looking for some cocaine.
i got you, man. You got some money?
Yeah, i've got $50.
Gimme the money. i'll be right back.
Ali right. i got you.
Thank you so much.
[Overiapped taiking]
Most troubling was Aiex's adventure.
He was arrested and is now in a hoiding cell at the Rampart's Divislon.
The detalls are still a little unclear.
Rajeev persistence paid off.
And he was finally able to purchase some cocaine.
i will be inhaling the narcotic now.
Our scientists here at the Boys and Girls guide
did some tests on this coke.
And it turned out to be 60% foot powder, 30% baking soda.
For the same $30, Rajeev could've bought
this much foot powder and baking soda.
N iceiy done.
The baggie was not a good vaiue.
The point is that in order to get down,
you will need to find your own drug deaier who will come to your home.
But drug deaiers are not like reguiar peopie.
The first thing you will notice about a drug deaier
is that he always has the best shit that hasn't been stepped on.
A1 butter.
J ust the real motherfuckin' deai.
it's the shit that makes the president go "hm".
it's what you better can fuck with.
You won't wanna fuck with nobody eise. Don't fuck with my car.
Come check me, you're gonna get that O. G. Kush.
it's the one hit wonder all the way from my hippies in Arcadia.
i'm telling you, it's the only way to go.
You could smoke that stress and give you a headache.
You won't be able to kick the girls off in the ciub smoking that shit.
That's what i call a tupperware party.
These shrooms are great and able to get you fucked up!
it's pure M DMA from Amsterdam.
You know, you may be able to get it cheaper,
but you won't be able to get it better.
This one comes straight from Peru.
Doesn't have any withdrawai.
You will enjoy the sex. You will be sleeping.
At the end of the day you wanna sleep.
You have a good time and you wanna sleep. How much you wanted?
it's pointiess to ask the drug deaier about the quallty of the merchandise,
because untli the F D A gets invoived
you are just going to have to take his word for it.
And finally, drug deaiers have their own way of taiking.
A kind of code. Drugs are referred to as T-shirts
or C Ds, things.
How many T-shirts?
An eight ball. U h, three and a haif T-shirts.
Yeah, all right.
You remember where it is?
i'll be there in 15 minutes.
The second thing that you notice about drug deaiers
is that their concept of time is different from reguiar peopie.
Note the coloration between drug deaier time and human time.
if he says he'll be there in haif an hour, it really means an hour and a haif.
Where he is? Still wait. i'm not calling.
This is fuckin' bulishit, bro.
Dude, you know, when he gets here, you have to wait in the bathroom.
What? That's fuckin' bulishit, bro.
it's how it's done.
i don't have any money.
That explains the outfit.
i'll make it up to you.
Hey, hey! J ust checking up.
J ust wanted to make sure, you know...
i toid ya i'll be there in 10 minutes.
This is bulishit! i'm gonna call my other guy.
You got another guy?
No.
You should call him.
Dude, we're not calling him again.
Maybe he forgot.
Dude, i know him. He's a professlonai.
He's iate.
We're not calling.
i'm gonna call him.
Ali has been forwarded to an automatic voice message.
Voice mall.
it's Hector.
Thank you, Hector.
Ali right. i appreciate it.
Dude, it's so fucking humliiating.
Oh, shit. What a nice score!
With enough time for a last call.
Let's make it happen.
Once you have a deaier who you are comfortable with,
the more you buy, the better price you get.
So pretty soon you can hook up your friends and get your drugs for free.
But at this point you're in danger of turning into a mini drug deaier,
so be carefui. if travelling, keep your stash in the glove box.
The Police need a warrant to search it. if you are pulied over,
and they ask to look around the vehicie.
Do you mind if we take a look around the vehicie?
Knock yourselves out.
it's right off to the cops at your own risk.
is that weed i smell?
Smells like probable cause to me.
Good chance.
Come on, man. This is bulishit.
Those guys got no better to do, man.
Come on, let's go.
At the end of the day, they make all the ruies.
Yo, smoke some weed.
i got some H ungarian - made chronic.
Dude, they all smoke break.
[Laughs] Oh, shit.
Hey, let's go smoke some herb.
Weed is an important part of getting down,
and retaining your sanity in big cities.
Not quite as much fun as aicohoi, but it doesn't give you a hangover.
it's such a benign substance that doctors prescribe it,
and yet curiousiy it's liiegai.
Right now weed is cheap, good, and easy to get.
So let's hope it stays liiegai.
There are really only two types of weed.
Dirt weed or shake. And skunk weed,
aiso known as kind bud, chronic, and the good shit among other things.
Dirt weed is cheaper and full of twigs and seeds,
iacking in potent hairy buds.
J ust because is not as strong,
it doesn't mean it's without merit.
Dirt weed is great for in the mornings.
Or at work.
Skunk weed is the pungent, sticky buds that get you super high.
Good for traffic jams,
and it can make any food taste like a gourmet feast.
The government will tell you that years of smoking weed
will make you stupid. This is incorrect.
Every time you smoke weed, you will become more stupid
if only temporarliy.
Don't think for a second that if you get stoned at the party
you will be witty and ciever.
i love getting iry.
What?
i used to smoke weed with Eiron H ubbard.
And remember guide tip number two.
Don't smoke weed if you are aiready drunk.
She's a happy drunk, and she loves getting stoned.
But mixed together she gets the spins.
Weed is superb for hangovers, stress, or any kind of nausea.
it's aiso very effective against feminine abdominai issues.
Weed can be ingested in a number of ways.
Most common is the joint.
Joints are constructed thus.
First, you sprinkie the weed throughout the iength, like so.
And if you don't want a pregnant one, you use your finger.
Then, you gentiy pinch the tips with your fingers.
And roli the shaft with your thumbs.
Not too tight,
or it'll be hard to suck.
You lick it.
You stick it, and that's how i roli.
Look at it. Magnificent.
Fantastic.
And now you smoke.
[Laughter]
it's making this too tight.
M ine, too. it's so scratchy.
Let's switch.
Joints turn weed into a sociai drug
because they are often passed around.
But there are strict ruies about passing joints.
Whoever's weed it is, can smoke as much as he or she likes
before passing.
We'll know about puff-puff-give.
it's not puff-chat, chat-puff-give.
Tell your story when you're not hoiding the joint.
What the fuck?
Look, man, don't baby-sit the shit, okay?
i wasn't done with that.
You're done now.
And it's bad manners to klii it
if there are still peopie waiting for their first hit.
(guy) i suppose you smoke this. Take it, bro.
You're a cool ass, chick.
Advanced stoners employ a technique
known as "the go between."
Without question, the most effective way to smoke your weed is with a bong.
The water fliters out most of the tar and it cools the smoke down.
The brochure that came with this bong says it removes 80% of the tar.
That sounded high,
so we ran our own tests.
Go ahead. What's gonna happen? is it gonna be soft?
This is good. You ready?
Give me a break. God, Jesus! Bro!
i have a hoie in my hand!
But the resuits were inconciusive.
Now you're ready to face the day,
no matter how stressfui your job.
After a few drinks, the boys are getting angsty
and want to purchase some cocaine.
it's always advisable to figure out your drug requirements ahead of time.
You get a better deai, it's safer, and you can prep your poison properiy.
But sometimes it's not possibie.
When buying drugs at a bar or a ciub,
it's important to remember certain guidelines.
You see the mistake here. Too conspicuous.
Now, let's try it again, but this time Tony aiready has the money together.
Once you've acquired your cocaine,
the next thing to remember is to have some fun.
Chop it up as fine as you can,
because to get the desired effect, it has to get into the blood stream.
Larger iumps simpiy dissoive in mucus and drip down your throat.
Finer powder is absorbed through the nasai membranes.
it's all about the surface area.
The finer powder has more surface area.
Let's go back to the iab.
i n one tank the mice are offered food and aicohoi.
The other tank is identicai,
except our scientists add a soiution of cocaine hydrochloride.
Look at the behavlor of the coke mice.
Aiternating between the stash, the vodka, and the wheei
they have no interest in the nearby food.
Watch what happens when we introduce a mouse on cocaine into the other tank.
Some of the mice are crashed out, but note how the mice that are still up
can sense that he has been taking cocaine.
See how they gather around him, as if they are trying to get something from him.
Two vaiuable iessons are iearned here.
if you're going to drink all night, cocaine will baiance out the aicohoi.
You won't get so drunk, and you will be able to party 'till dawn.
Secondiy, others can sense when you have cocaine, and will pester you for it.
Watch what happens here. Tony has just hooked up a 30 bag.
And now he's taiking to Brittany, a girl he has just met.
Why? You got some?
He hesitates, but he's aiready committed.
Here you go.
Thanks!
[Murmurs]
i need to tell you about Jennifer.
She fucked last night.
Are you serious? You're kidding me!
Hey, you want some?
Sure.
How funny was that?
H ush.
She's such a whore.
i know.
Bryan wasn't in. i heard it first hand.
You really should. You really, really should.
What do you want? Another one? Come, girl.
Here you go.
i'm pretty good. My face is numb.
Okay.
(Tony) Hey.
You got the rest of my shit?
Yeah. There was, like, hardiy anything in there.
Or she might say something like...
Hey.
You got the rest of my shit?
There must've been a hoie or something in the bag.
Sometimes it's an honest mistake.
Sometimes it's just inexperience.
i don't really feel so good.
Sometimes it's mallcious.
And sometimes it's just playing stupid.
Oh!
Did i get any?
Blow in. Not out, bitch.
But a point to remember is that a fooi and his baggie are soon separated.
Let's start over again.
Yeah, i love it. Why? You got some?
Yeah. J ust foilow me.
it's fun ducking into a bathroom or a storeroom for a toot,
but it's not always practicai.
The advanced partier will often use a technique known as "the guest bindie"
to defend against moochers.
Hey, hey, you got a bump?
The guest bindie is a paper foid constructed thus.
Once constructed, a good ruie of thumb
if to put a fifth of the amount you have in the guest bindie.
You must choose glossy magazine paper.
Not too flimsy or it will tear.
Other types of paper like photocopy or newspaper are unsuitable
because they are too porous.
On one side we use a bindie made from glossy magazine paper.
And on the other side a bindie made from reguiar photocopy paper.
Moisture is cocaine's mortai enemy.
As you can see, the coke in the photocopy paper is ruined.
The wet cocaine is not completely useiess.
it can be dried by microwaving it in ten-second increments.
But use this technique only if absoiutely necessary.
Any time cocaine gets near a microwave,
you're just a dab of baking soda away from becoming a crackhead.
[Beep]
The coke in the glossy bindie is safe and dry.
But we digress. Let's watch the guest bindie in action.
Peter hands off the guest bindie without trepidation.
He gets to look like a generous rock star,
and he knows he has pienty left for iater.
Meanwhlie, back at the house party things are coming to a ciose.
You know you've done something right when the cops break up the party.
Oh, man, who the fuck invited the cops, man?
That's bulishit. Hey, man, the fucking cops is herei
They will show up, so be ready for them.
is this supposed to be funny?
Yes.
Man, i don't give a fuck about these cops. They can suck my dick.
That's some gay shit. i'm trying to get that gay shit.
Are you sure you don't wanna come to this other party with me?
No, i'm just gonna go with him.
i don't wanna be left alone.
J ust go with the other one. He's cute.
i'm so fucked up. i just wanna go home and get some dick.
Hey, Officer. if i fall down, will you draw a chaik outline around me?
walk on.
Hey, hey. Oh, oh, oh.
[Laughs]
See ya. She's gonna be all right with him?
Yeah. He's Christian. He, like, goes to a synagogue and shit.
She could kick his ass anyway.
Nah. Do we go to this other party?
Here at the guide we do not condone drinking and driving.
Hey, hey, hey.
Remember Oscar?
At first he seems fine, but notice the iack of coordination
as he tries to round obstacies.
His spaciai awareness is diminished, and reaction times are greatiy reduced,
ieading to an accident and possibiy injuring the mouse.
Okay, guys, they're on their way down.
10-4. We're all set.
[Laughs] D U i, you motherfuckers. They're coming down.
Drinking and driving is no joke,
but sometimes it's unavoidable.
So, here are some tips.
Pian your route.
Aiways check your lights twice.
No lights at night is the number one reason that cops puli drunk drivers over.
Take side streets, and drive carefully.
if you can, do your drinking and driving during office hours.
M uch iess chance of being pulied over.
Certain behavlors are sure to get you arrested.
[Laughs] it's like a fuck'n video game, huh?
Dude, what, are you fucked up or something, man?
Check that you are wearing your seat beit.
it's cool.
Shut the fuck up, bro. i need to concentrate.
And that your passengers.
But if you are really too drunk, then get someone eise to drive.
Because if you don't.
H ide the fuck'n beer, dude. Put the fucking beer...
[groaning]
Come on, bro, let's go!
Hang on.
Oh, yeah.
[Grunts]
Dude, we can't both be to the side.
Bars are fun, but eventually they ciose.
Last call is a rallying cry for kids who like to get down.
There are decislons to be made and strategies to formuiate.
And not much time. But before you jump into anything,
remember the acceptabliity graph.
This graph is based on a phenomenon called "Beer Goggies"
or "sider vicer" for the younger iush.
The effects are startling.
Marty?
i gotta go. i'm house-sitting at this kick-ass house.
Whose place is it?
it's M r. Beiding's house. Saved by the bell. He was the principai.
Let's go!
U m, okay.
Yeah, but just keep it to the two of you guys.
Maybe a coupie of girls.
But that is it. it's gotta be small. Very small.
You, uh, iadies interested in going to a party up in the hills?
Where?
M r. Beiding's house.
From Saved by the Bell.
Whatever. Are there gonna be drugs?
Heaps of it.
Who says it never snows in LA?
There are always parties.
But sometimes if you've met someone, the smart play is ditching out.
Yeah, let's go.
How about your friend?
Forget about her. i don't really like the bitch.
[Laughs] Let's go.
Outside the bar is an excellent place to figure out where the after party is.
But it's not even 1: 30.
Have a good night.
Fuck!
What are we gonna do?
Do you wanna come to the party tonight?
Yeah, where is it?
Hey, Eugene, where's that party?
At 1548 Harcony.
Let's go!
Make sure you know where it is.
it's important to remember that when you get to the party,
introduce yourself to the host. And if you can, bring something.
Booze, drugs, or at the very ieast
make sure you show up in a group with both boys and girls.
Fuck! it's all dudes.
Editing a party is a tough job, but sometimes it just has to be done.
Otherwise you are in danger of having a "sausage party."
[Music from the '70s]
i'll take care of this.
Go hide in the back bedroom for one second.
[Laughs]
U h, hey, everybody. i hate to do this. i really hate to do this,
but i gotta get up like super eariy in the morning.
So i gotta start like asking you guys to ieave, okay?
i hate to break it up. Sorry about that.
You guys have been cool. Thanks a lot, man. Good to see you.
i'm sorry. Terribie about it. The neighbors and stuff.
U h, Marty is it?
Yeah. Sorry, guys. it's just getting really iate.
i just wanted to say hi,
and my friend Charlie wanted to say hi.
Yeah, yeah, come on in.
This is my friend Andy.
But with all that said and done,
it's time to get down and have some fun.
The brutai truth about coked up after parties
is that they can be a little duli.
A bunch of kids sitting around the mirror waiting for someone eise
to put out the next line.
Dude, i don't know what the dizzie is here man.
Pricking freaking shut out.
i know, man. Dismissed.
Fucking Stonewall Jackson. What is this bulishit?
Hey. That Asian keeps looking over here.
(Andy) For real?
Dude, check up that fucking blondie right there.
i'm part Asian, Cock-Asian. Aha.
Look at that skirt. Look at that fucking skirt. Bring that over.
Bring that shit to me.
Let's start our party here.
it's fucking like an iceberg up in this fucking mug here.
How are you doing?
(all) H i.
i'm Andy.
Bryce.
[Overiapped conversation]
J ust a few years ago getting down after a night of partying
would have been an extreme endeavor
fraught with doubts about the upcoming performance.
You know i never do this, right?
it's a hard fact that coke and ecstasy
can not only affect the boy's abliity to achieve and maintain an erection,
it can aiso shrink his manhood to the size of a tater top.
it's okay, baby.
We can do other things.
Give me a second. i think it's getting hard.
Come on, little fella.
i'm bored.
i'm gonna go eye some TV.
Pushing rope is no fun for anyone.
But nowadays we have a little biue plii
that heips us through the fiaccid marshiand and onto hard ground.
See how Brittany breaks off just a quarter of the plii.
And whlie Tony is not looking,
she crushes it into the cocaine on the mirror.
Don't worry, big boy.
Let's just shoot the rest of these lines and hang out.
Here.
Don't be afraid, guys.
Viagra is not just for impotent men and geriatrics.
Don't take the whoie thing.
They're not cheap, and you'll be hard for the next two days.
J ust bite the nick off the corner haif an hour before you're ready to rock and roli.
And once one figures out how to combine ecstasy and Viagra in the same plii.
if God took drugs, this would be his favorite.
[Moaning] You came aiready?
The only thing you need to worry about are the warnings on the plii box.
Oh, my chest.
Are you okay? Are you okay?
Oh, shit.
Brittany's heart was in the right place,
but giving drugs to anyone without their knowiedge, is definitely not cool.
Tony is taking medication for a hereditary cardiac condition.
Fuck, my heart pills, man.
Your what?
My nitrogiycerine. i left it in the car.
Suck it up, bro.
Oh, my God.
Don't you worry, M iss. Your boyfriend is gonna be just fine.
He's not my boyfriend. i just met him tonight. i don't have a boyfriend.
Oh, what a shame.
You're so funny. We should hang out some time.
Sure!
Take my number.
5552...
Poor Tony. But knowing he has a heart condition
playing around with cocaine wasn't the smartest thing to do in the first place.
There are certain peopie you want to avoid at after parties.
The most common is the taiker.
Some peopie go to church, like, four days a week or like scientologists.
They're like totally crazy, like.
Who really cares about oli?
i mean, you just need it for cars and stuff.
They've all heard of coke cores. These are coke bores.
Like i like kittens and puppies and...
Oh, my God!
[Grunts]
Dude, that's enough.
Oh, my... What the fuck?
And musicians, this is not the time or the place
to jam or debut your band's new C D.
Wait. Listen to this bit.
And finally, the "isn't any good guy."
What's up?
How you doing? You want a bump?
is it any good?
You'd fucking hate it, man.
if someone is nice enough to offer their drugs to you, don't be a dick.
i, i might not hate it.
To keep your after party fun, have some activities arranged.
Charades can be fun.
But guys, especially macho guys, are often reiuctant.
They will tattoo their knuckies, and mouth off to the cops.
But the sound chills their spine.
God's spell.
Eternai Sunshine of the Spotiess Mind.
(girl) Good, you're good.
Well done. You're up.
[Overiapped taiking]
i ain't doing it.
Too gay.
Have something a little more maniy avallable.
Let's see.
Ali right. Here you go.
Thank you.
[Crash] [Aiarm goes off]
[Ali iaugh]
But do beware of the drunk guy.
What is that, lipstick?
No, lip gloss.
(Peter) Oh, my God.
He's got to go.
i don't know him anyway.
i really like your neckiace.
Dude, don't put it all out. Save some for iater.
i don't give a fuck. it's just how i do.
Hey. Right, fellas? i'm good.
(all) Oh!
[Ali taik at a time]
You can microwave that.
Board games ruie,
and it's easy to turn pretty much any board game into an aduit verslon.
Take it off.
That's right.
Your pants.
Oh. it's fucked up.
Earlier on we taiked about the difference between fun drugs and sketchy drugs.
Cocaine is a sketchy drug when it is smoked.
But aiso has the potentiai to affect a small percentage of peopie in a sketchy way
by turning them into fiends.
You can always recognize a fiend.
They do not have their own drugs because they've done them all.
They cannot heip a giance at the mirror every 30 seconds.
They will scrape and scrape in between lines to get a few extra crumbs.
They will be calling drug deaiers at 10:30 the next morning.
it's no fun being a fiend.
But unlike the taiker, the fiend can be amusing.
(Greg) Are from LA?
U m... [clears throat]
U m, i grew up in New York.
You doing the acting thing?
Yeah. i've got, like, all these offers and stuff.
That's good. Yeah, yeah, go ahead.
Sometimes if the fiend is a girl, she'll pretend to be into a boy just for the drugs.
i did a Fruit of the Loom commerciai.
Were you the grapes?
i was the banana. 'Cause i'm yellow, you know.
This girl is known as a coke tease.
Can i?
if her boy feels that this is the case, there's a simpie test he can use
known as the titty bump test.
Let me do it off your nipple.
i mplants are particuiariy good for the titty bump test
because of the angie of the dangie.
Look at this graph.
Notice how the drugs fall to the floor on the naturai breast.
i n this case, the girl should iean back to avoid waste.
The augmented breast is more pronounced,
so the cocaine is able to get good purchase on the nipple.
The fake breast aiso iends a free song of Vegas to the whoie situation
which most kids agree is kind of fun.
And the experience titty bumper can easliy pariey
the titty bump test into a suckie.
Even if the girl refuses, the titty bump test rareiy backfires.
That guy just asked me to do a line off my breast.
What an asshoie!
i'll go taik to him. Let me taik to him.
Can you belleve that? it's so wrong.
Yeah. J ust do it.
Did you just ask to do a bump off of J une's titty?
Yeah.
That takes a lot of balls, man. Way to go.
Between you and me, that chick is a complete fiend.
She's always mooching coke. Never buying it.
Tell me about it. She had like two lines, man.
Do you wanna do one?
Yeah. Can i do it off your titty?
No, i 'm fuck'n with you.
But it's not all iaughs. And tomfooiery.
Would you have unprotected sex with this person?
Bad exampie. U h, what about this person?
For sharing a straw is just like doing this.
A sobering thought.
And sobriety has its place in the life of kids who want to get down.
Mostiy in the mornings and some afternoons, too.
But it's aimost impossibie to get down and be sober.
So beware.
You want a bump?
No, i'm straight-edged. That's shit.
What we need here is a bit of fun.
Oh, it's a cop out. What are you trying to escape from?
Mostiy you.
What are you even doing here anyway?
You know, i don't do coke, either.
With all the fun you've been having,
the time flies and it's soon 5:30 A. M.
At about this time, some bright spark
will start making plans for tomorrow with their new best friends.
Let's go to Vegas.
(all) Yeah.
For real, dudes.
Let's go get a pint.
You can agree to do any of these things
because everybody knows that there's no way it will actually happen.
it's more of a rituai during which boys and girls
can pretend that the foilowing day is not a complete write off.
We should all go play paint ball.
With morning approaching, it's neariy time to go home
with that speciai boy or girl you've been flirting with all night.
They all left. And now i don't have a ride home.
i can probabiy give you a ride.
Or they've aiready gone, then with the best of whoever's left.
First, why don't we, uh, stop in my place?
Okay.
guide tip number four. Remember your sungiasses.
Try not to hate the rest of the worid as it goes about its business.
Remember. it's you who is the freak.
Y Sirens sounding out Are we going to war Y
Y A flim of yesterday On a broken down door Y
Y Send me something real To ignore or explore Y
Y And i'll show you all The things that i saw Y
Y Today Y
Y The words don't mean Enough for us to say Y
Y For us to say Y
Y Today Y
Y To steal the moment That we gave away Y
Y We gave away Y
Y Gave it away Y
So, like, i'm a real romantic kind of girl.
i love relationships. i love when guys bring me roses.
And candie-lit dinners.
And aiso i love long walks.
And i think the best part of our relationship is good communication.
When you finish to say your sentences.
i mean, it's so cool, 'cause it's like two minds
but you really are thinking with one. What are you doing?
i guess there's only one way to shut you up, isn't there?
No, i mean...
Anyways, i love when a guy picks me up
and, like, he opens the door for me.
i like showing. it just makes you feel like such a ciassy iady.
i n an ideal worid, you'll have a great time getting down with your friend,
and will wake up the foilowing morning and swear undying love for each other.
But sometimes it wasn't meant to be.
(Kate) i just woke up.
i've got Run DM C in my bed. What the fuck am i supposed to do?
Oh, just... i don't know.
Tell him your mom's coming over or something.
i'll call you iater. Bye-bye.
Okay, bye.
Hey.
[Drunken voice] Watch out, L. L.
Was gonna get the goid chain.
U h, Joey, hey.
Hey, i just taiked to my mom.
She just called, and she's coming to take me to breakfast in 10 minutes.
i wanna sleep for like ten more minutes.
You go, eat a biscuit or somethin'.
Oh, my God.
Seriousiy, you gotta get up.
please. please. Come on!
Look, c'mon, man! i'm trying to sleep! Goddamn, i'm tired!
i'm tired! Look at my face. i'm tired.
Get the fuck out of my room.
Goddamn!
i asked you nicely to get out of my bed.
Now, put your Santa suit on and get the fuck out.
What happened to the morning manners? That's bulishit.
it's not bulishit. That outfit's bulishit.
it's not, man. i'm getting out of here.
You know what? Ali you bitches are the same.
Ali act the same. And you know what?
i didn't wanna say nothing, but your house smells like cat shit.
Smells like Garfieid's has walked up in here and took a shit.
My goddamn giasses.
You know what? One day you'll be all by yourself.
Oh, God. Are you still taiking?
You'll be sitting here and with all the cats playing poker or whatever,
'cause you ain't got no goddamn friends. And they'll be shitting,
and you won't be seeing any 'cause your crazy and you'll have a great moha.
Shut the fuck up!
will you just shut the fuck up and get out of my house?
i'm out. i'm out of here.
Good. Get go. Scram, get out. Get the fuck out i
This is nasty. it is shit over here!
You never shut up. You taik and taik and taik and taik.
This is not sexy. You keep human shit on the side of your bed?
That's what it smells like.
Did your cat used to be a man? 'Cause the smell is like man shit in here.
J ust get out. Put your fucking sneakers on and run.
Get the fuck out i
You know what? i'm gonna tell all my boys
that you have a Mohawk on your pussy. You pussy Mohawk.
Bad planning on Kate's part has led to a tense situation in the morning.
But look what happens if she had laid the groundwork the night before.
U h. You can come in for a little bit.
Hang out, whatever. But you can't stay the night,
because my mom's coming in the morning.
if she sees you here, she'll freak out.
it's cool. That's all right.
Oh, um, i'm not gonna fuck you.
i know.
Oh, shit.
Nobody likes a stranger in their bed after a hard night out.
So not staying over is definitely the way to go. But beware.
Anyone under the age of 23 will need cab money in order to get themselves home.
You need some cab money?
Yeah, 20 would be great.
You live around the block.
Be a stand-up guy. Don't make her ask.
it's five.
So, keep some small blis around for just such an occaslon.
Hey, uh, can i borrow these?
Thanks.
i just paid eight bucks for those!
Remember. Anything she borrows, you will never see again.
Drugs and aicohoi, whlie a lot of fun,
are not know for the wisdom they iend to the decislon making process.
if you are thinking about going home with someone but you are not sure
or you know you're wasted, then don't.
That's my house.
Trees and stuff and...
You know, um, i can't do this.
What do you mean you can't do this?
i can't do this. i can't do this. i can't do this.
You want to have this?
No, it's not about that.
i'm a second date kind of girl.
Ali right. We'll just go inside.
But i'll call you.
You're a really great guy, Oriando.
And i'll call you. i promise. i'll call you.
You don't have my number.
Oh. U h...
U h, what is it?
i n cases like these, your hand is your friend. So show it some appreciation.
Of all the advice in this guide,
this is the truest for both boys and girls.
Go home alone. Puli your pod.
Choke your chicken. Beat your meat.
You wanna make party with me?
Girls, rub one out, diddie the skittle, check your oli.
Hey, this soap scum comes right off.
Spare a thought for all those who have made your night fun.
You explain to me what the heck vicious masturbation is.
And for those who have to clear up your mess this morning.
You fucking cock suckers.
Fellx? Call me back. it's important.
My God. What the hell is going on here?
Did Fellx send you?
No. Marty? Oh, my God, my house.
[Shouts] Marty?
Fuck!
Marty!
What is going on here?
i had a coupie of peopie over.
They all gotta go, Marty. She's gotta go.
He's gotta go. Don't drop the...
i know, i know. Everybody, we gotta go.
i'm waiting for someone.
No, sweetheart, you're ieaving. Everybody, Marty.
Everybody. Guys, you gotta get out of here. They're gone.
Everybody! You know who everybody means?
You. Okay? Anything eise?
U h, i wouldn't look in your bathroom for a whlie.
And don't look in the pooi. The pooi's kinda...
Don't look at the pooi.
if you have to be at work in a few hours,
have your excuse ready.
i'm totally bloated. i'm just a monster.
Or better.
i'm really sick.
Because this isn't even a lie.
i think i ate bad shrimp.
And as for those boys and girls who did struggie in,
cut them a little siack.
Don't taik too loud.
But most of all, don't beat yourself up.
You had more fun in the last ten hours
than most peopie do in a month.
Don't be ashamed.
Eugene! My butt hurts.
No, it doesn't. Don't be such a baby.
Don't give up.
And try not to freak out.
Peter. Hey, Peter. Peter!
What?
Greg just called.
He said something about finding Tony's pills in his car.
He wants to know if he still needs them.
Why are you asking me?
'Cause he's not here.
Woo! Aha!
You like that, eh?
Woo!
Trust me. He's having the time of his life.
[Beep]
What's up? Hello. Let's have a little look.
Oh, yes.
U hh!
Redness and swelling.
Smoke this twice a day before meals.
And complete the full course of treatment.
Are you a real doctor?
Of course i'm a real doctor.
Thanks.
[Pneumatic drill roaring]
Jesus Christ! Loud as hell.
J ust chill.
Phoenix like, you'll rise again.
Jesus Christ. Peopie are trying to sleep.
(man) it's 3:00, asshoie.
Dude, i scored with the hottest chick last night.
i know. i was there!
i just sent you some pictures.
Dude, she's a freaking porno. Did you tag her?
Dude, it was insane. We got it on like Donkey-Kong.
(Andy) Dude, is she asleep?
Well, she wouldn't, you know, let me take any whlie...
She wasn't hot, man. i needed proof. i don't blame you, bro.
N ice one. This one's going right to the front of the spank-o-dex.
Dude!
She left her scrunchy.
Ooh.
[Sighs] You gotta smell this, bro.
Yeah.
Peaches.
Oh. The sweet smell of success.
Like a bouquet.
N ice doing, bro.
Oh!
Never again.
guide tip number six.
Never again. Well, not for a few days anyway.
Peter! Bring your skinny ass up here.
(Sarah) Give me some more loving.
Come home to mama, baby.
Here i come! Are you ready?